Sacred, simple and full of wandering twists and turns.
In the last 05 days, I started sensing the spiralling within. Feeling a bit overwhelmed with the various initiated projects and yet, no progress.
I could sense the tightening of the shoulders, a restricted breath, and tightness on the side of my front neck. Most importantly I am noticing the blockage in my throat, which for me, is a sign that I am not admitting something to myself and I am berrying myself under a pile of work to avoid facing.
I turned to my partner John, stating “I was feeling the stuckness in my throat and the inability to clear it”.
The observant John pointed out that I was doing too much. “I was going back to the old patterns”. He continues on saying; What is bothering you, as you only spend more time in the office, when you are overwhelmed and don’t want to face up.
AHA, as he says it, I felt a twinge in my throat and a tightening in my chest. I felt as if someone has just twisted a knife in my chest.
I stopped and replied, but I haven’t got anything to show for the busyness. pitying myself.
As I retreat to reflect on what John just brought up, and check in inwardly with my body for further information, I noticed the tightness in my face, forehead, cheekbones, and jaw. I asked myself, what I was in need of? What am I hiding from this time? before I finished the question, I heard these words: Focus, weave one story at the time. No more forcing, allow yourself
I wasn’t surprised to hear it and yet part of me wandered why it’s easier to slip back into the things you know don’t serve you? Why you keep falling in the same hole again and again? What is it about the hole that you need to reconcile or allow for?
I knew since the start of the pandemic that something fundamental has shifted within and needing more spaciousness and to listen to what is embodied, yet I find myself, in the same hole again.
As I settle for the night, I take deeper breath and formulate a question to better sense into what practice, habit, I need to bring into my life at this moment, to honour myself and my needs more.
With this question in mind, I find myself dreaming that evening. I was walking through a labyrinth, the walk was wobbly and I find myself lingering like a drunken woman. my legs were so mushy that I couldn’t stand tall, my body clasping, I found myself walking so slowly that I needed to sit down for a while to be able to stand and walk again. As I walk through the twists and turns, I find myself living the familiar, sprinting through life, to get to the finishing line and yet that finishing line isn’t clear. Yet I am sprinting pretending that I know where I am heading, when clearly I don’t as I am exhausted before even starting. I found myself twice at the starting point.
This is a familiar old pattern. I asked myself, what are you sprinting for? what you want to finish this time? I realised that I was once again, in believing when I finish this, I will be there and I can rest. Yet life thought me that every experience I had was “The there” I was seeking. There is no where to arrive.
We go through life believing when we get there, things will be different from where we are, and we sprint through life, not realising that there is only this given moment. There is Here.
I got to the centre of the labyrinth and I settled for a bit and more dropping happened.
It never crossed my mind that a simple walk in this sacred space, could be as revealing as that labyrinth walk of my dream.
I woke up this morning, and found myself walking around my garden in a way that felt anew and yet familiar. I realised as I entered my office, that I just walked a labyrinth again.
I am wondering if my new practice is to walk the labyrinth to remind me to tend to inward for a body and mind integration. Slowing down is the new going fast
If you find yourself feeling exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed, uncertain, resisting, take this sacred and yet simple walk without much expectations and see what shows up. Walk it like a wander.
